Because Of You
by Sakura Maxwell
Summary: Ok, Sakura going through tough times and..well, I can't really explain this but.. It doesn't seem like a S&S fic in the beginning. But it will be, I promise! Sakura POV Chapter 3 is up! I had a hard time naming the chapter..-.- R&R please!!
1. Coward

Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura, do not sue me. This is merely for entertainment, nothing else.   
Rating: PG-13  
Warning: Mild language and suicidal thoughts  
Note: Sakura POV  
  
  
Because Of You  
One-Coward  
by Sakura Maxwell  
  
  
  
Ah.. Here I am, in my room, all alone. Sitting on my soft bed, locked my self in my own room as Otousan and Oniisan are eating downstairs. Like they care that I didn't eat dinner and like I locked myself in this room for the whole day. Nope, little Sakura is fine. She just doesn't feel well today.  
  
Well, I guess that's the truth. I don't feel well, not at all. But then again, I never do.. Not anymore. See, no one knows the real me anymore. How I've been ever since..he left.   
  
I kept my happy, cheerful face on..but now, that's only a mask. A mask to conceal everything within me, what I really feel like. No one cares about me.. No, not in the way I want them to. Actually, I really don't care if they love me or not, but I know they don't.  
  
Otousan, he's too busy with work now. Oniisan, work and Yukito. Tomoyo, helping her mom. Chiharu, Rika, Naoko, all in different jobs. All too busy for little me. Little Sakura.  
  
Oh look, I'm crying. I wonder why.. Damnit, I know why I am! It's because, some stupid idiot made me born and put me through all of this shit.   
  
Someone up there wants me to suffer and has fun watching me suffer. Why else would I not have the courage to commit suicide? Hm? See, no one loves me, so what reason is there to live?  
  
I pound the bed with my fist. "What reason is there for me to live?!" I cry out. I'm sure the two downstairs can't hear me. That's all well and good. Wouldn't wanna upset them, now would I? Of course, they wouldn't care if I was to die.  
  
I keep pounding the bed. "God, you cursed me to go through the torment, and not have courage!" I scream, the tears falling on the bed. I don't care.   
  
Then I get this feeling.. A feeling I never have gotten before all the other times I've tried suicide. Like, some sort of spark. I can picture myself in the shower with that razor and just slicing my skin, my wrist, and the blood dripping.. Going..Washing down the drain.  
  
I wipe my tears away hastily and grab any clothes. I know this feeling won't last much longer, definately not to tomorrow. I have to do this now or I might never have the courage to.  
  
I shut and lock the door in the bathroom and peel off my clothes and step inside the shower. I start the warm water and let myself get all wet.  
  
I reach up and grab the razor with the sharp blade. Ha ha.. They really should be careful of what they keep in here. They just take for granted what a suicidal mind like me can actually do I suppose.  
  
I'm holding the blade to my wrist. But then something stops me from actually scraping it against my skin. What is it?!  
  
The smiling face of Syaoran crosses my vision.  
  
I step back against the shower wall and drop the razor. I hear it hit the water flowing into the drain.   
  
Why the.. Why did Syaoran pass through my thoughts? He..he left a long time ago.. Left for Hong Kong, never came back, never called, never wrote back to any of my letters... So why?! Why did he show up?!  
  
At this point I'm shaking. I don't get it. Why him? He doesn't love me. So why should I care? Is someone trying to tell me to live only for Syaoran? ...That's ridiculous. Syaoran doesn't love me, so he doesn't matter. Yet..  
  
Bangs covering my face, I pick up the razor and put it back where it belonged and stepped out of the shower.   
  
—  
R&R please. Arigato, minna-san.  
  
PS- ...Ewww...Eriol's dubbed name is Eli Moon...Eeewwww.....X_X Now I don't want Nakuru's Eng dub name.. For all I know it could be Nancy...O.o;;  
  



	2. Saved

Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura, do not sue me. This is merely for entertainment, nothing else.  
Rating: PG-13  
Warning: Mild language, suicidal action  
Note: Sakura POV. Clow Cards don't exist. Surroundings same as 'Why Must You Do This To Me?'. Li Syaoran only came as a transfer student, but then left for Hong Kong. Only difference.   
  
Because Of You  
Two-Saved  
by Sakura Maxwell  
  
  
  
Ah ha.. So I finally can do it. I can finally put an end to my miserable life once and for all. I have the strength to. See? See the knife in my hand? The wonderful sharp, gleaming blade? Yes, of course. Today, I die.  
  
I press the cool blade against my pale skin. This is it, I'll finally leave this God forsaken world. I narrow my eyes. I know it'll be painful, but it'll soon end.  
  
I press harder and I see blood spurt out and drip to the carpet. I wince. It was a little slice. I need it bigger.   
  
I press even harder and then I see the crimson blood come out like waves and fall around my wrist and onto the carpet. I stiffle a cry. I. Am. Strong. I can do this.   
  
Even so, a cry escapes my lips. Bitch! I curse myself mentally. Damnit, I better be dead before anyone comes up.   
  
And yet I hear running footsteps and then a bang on my door.   
  
"Sakura? Sakura! SAKURA!!" Oniisan cries out from the other side as my eyelids flutter. So, I'm losing consciousness...losing everything. Wait, what is there to lose? Nothing.. I thought so.  
  
I hear banging. Heh, good thing I.. Good thing I locked it.. Damn, so fast already. Man, no wonder they say most people slit wrists. Blood does rush out fast..   
  
Then the door gives way. Damnit! Ahh.. Yes, and the last thing I see is the cursed image of my brother scooping me up in his arms and calling Otousan downstairs for..the..ambulance..  
  
-  
  
"Is she gonna be okay?" Touya demanded as the doctor entered the waiting room. "Is she?!"  
  
The doctor looked up at him and sighed. "You know, it's a good thing you got her when you did. Otherwise.. She probably would've died."  
  
Every face in the room lit up. "You mean, she's not dead?" Tomoyo asked with joy.   
  
The doctor nodded.  
  
"That's a relief," Yukito said, letting out his breath. Touya nodded and sat back down next to him, pulling Yukito in a hug of happiness.  
  
"Ack-Not so hard, ah?" Yukito managed to say.   
  
Tomoyo smiled. "So, when can we see her?"   
  
The doctor frowned and said, "Well, one can go in there now but.. I rather not, not at this moment."  
  
Fujitaka adjusted his glasses and asked, "Is there a certain reason?"   
  
The doctor nodded. "Yes, well.. Does anyone have any clue as to why Ms.Kinomoto tried to kill herself?"  
  
No one answered.  
  
"I thought so," he said. "Well, I'm afraid she must have not felt..welcome or something.. So, not now. Not until she regains consciousness, alright?"  
  
Everyone nodded grimly.  
  
-  
  
I open my eyes slowly and wince at the bright light blinding me.   
  
Hoho.. So did I die? This the light at the end of the so called tunnel? Of course not. That would've been far too easy.  
  
I push myself up and instantly wince when pressure is put on my wrist. I stare at it, then look around.   
  
Then I narrow my eyes. It's to be expected that I should land in a hospital like this. With weird tubes connected to me, to keep me alive! Hn. Those people never understand.   
  
I raised my right arm and painfully touch the tubes. "If I pull these out, then I leave this world," I whisper.   
  
I tug at it gently. Then smirk. Oh yea, this'll be easy, I'll die, no problem.  
  
I grasp the tube within my fingers and tug at it harder. I bite my lip. Damn, it hurts.   
  
Caught up in my thoughts, I didn't hear the door open.   
  
"SAKURA?!"  
  
I jerk my head at the noise and narrow my eyes. "Touya."  
  
Hehe.. I don't call him Onnisan anymore.. He has no right to be called older brother. Nor does Fujitaka.  
  
And he rushes in to.  
  
The two idiots crowd by me and pull my hand away from the tube.   
  
"What are you doing, Sakura?!" demands Touya, staring at me with worry in his eyes. No, fake worry, I'm sure.  
  
"Why, what I tried to do earlier," I reply calmly. "I would've succeeded if some certain people hadn't found me. I have to blame them then, ne?"  
  
Fujitaka blinks and Touya flinches back, obviously hurt. Hurt? I really don't give a damn. That isn't half of what I've been through.  
  
"Sakura, we just want to help you-"  
  
I cut Fujitaka off by saying, "Help me? Help me?! How do you expect to help me?! You CAN'T help me! I'm a fucking lost cause!!!"  
  
Fujitaka steps back. "Sakura.."  
  
"DON'T SAKURA ME!" I shriek. "YOU CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH! You can't!"  
  
Touya looks up at me. "We understand-"  
  
I glare hatred at him. "Understand?! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL?! Have you wanted to die everyday?! Wanting to have courage to kill yourself, but never having it?! Then finally, I DO get this courage and for what?!  
  
"YOU ASSHOLES GO AND SAVE ME! SAVE ME WHEN I WANTED TO DIE!! WHAT REASON DID YOU HAVE FOR SAVING ME WHEN I DIDN'T WANNA BE SAVED!"  
  
Now tears are blurring my vision, but I don't care. The tears are of sorrow. Sorrow.. That I couldn't die. They just want to make me suffer. Bastards.  
  
Both of them stare at me in absolute shock.   
  
"Sakura.." Touya whispers.  
  
Fujitaka adjusts his glasses and says softly, "Sakura, I'm sorry.. But.. I came in here to tell you that.."  
  
I am positively glaring venom at him. "What, Fujitaka?! Tell me what?! You have a party for me living?! Oh great, I'll get the cake knife and use it!"  
  
Fujitaka winces but says, "When you get better, you are going to see a psychiatrist. Sakura, we all want you to get better and-"  
  
I push myself off of the bed and spit in Fujitaka's face. "Get better?! Better?! I can't get better!! I'M A FUCKING LOST CAUSE!  
  
"You let me outta here, and I'll just keep getting knives, razors, anything! Anything that'll slice my wrist! There is no HOPE. If I had the strength, I'd grab that chair and throw it out the window. With the glass shards I'd slice myself!!"  
  
The two go big eyed. "How could you think of.." Touya begins.  
  
I laugh harshly. "Didn't expect that, did you? Never underestimate what a suicidal mind is capable of. If we really wanna die, then we'll do ANYTHING!"  
  
Touya just stares at me, then runs out the door.   
  
"THAT'S IT, TOUYA!" I scream. "CRY YOUR LITTLE HEART OUT! Oh wait.. YOU HAVE NO HEART! IF YOU HAD ONE, I PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE HERE! SO THANKS, TOUYA, YOU HELPED ME LAND IN THIS FUCKING DUMP!"  
  
Fujitaka stares at me with both grief and disappointment. He turns and walks out, closing the door behind him.  
  
I keep looking at the door and then look out the window.   
  
"Serves them right," I mumble, pressing my hands against the glass. "They should take care of their own lives, and not worry about others."  
  
I grimace.  
  
"This fake worry..it's plain disgusting."  
  
-  
  
Please R&R. Arigato, minna-san!   
  
Author Note: Heh heh.. Don't worry, there IS S&S. Just waaaaaaiiit..   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Psychiatrist

Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura, do not sue me. This is merely for entertainment, nothing else.  
Rating: PG-13  
Warning: Mild language  
Note: Sakura POV  
  
Because Of You  
Three-Psychiatrist  
by Sakura Maxwell  
  
  
  
Now I'm out of the damned hospital. They said I could go but I need to see a psychiatrist.  
  
So that's why I'm here. In front of this wooden door waiting to be opened.   
  
"Stupid door," I mumble and glance down at my wrist. The mark is almost gone.  
  
I smirk. They can't change the way I feel. No one can ever change the way I feel.  
  
An emotion.  
  
I raise my arm and knock lghtly on the door. I hear footsteps and then it opens, and I see a woman wearing glasses and a teal suit.  
  
"Hello, you must be Sakura," she greets nicely. She's smiling.. Gah.  
  
I stare at her, my expression emotionless.   
  
Her smile falters a bit, but she lets me in and shuts the door.  
  
I take a look around. Big wood desk on one side, that long chair I'm supposed to sit a couple feet away. Big ass windows.  
  
The ordinary.  
  
"You can sit there," she says, motioning towards the chair. "And make yourself comfortable."  
  
I sit down and stare straight ahead. The woman goes to her desk.  
  
"Well, my name is Mitchelle. I come from the states so.. I've dealt with a lot of these cases."  
  
I glance at her. "Let's just get this over with, "I said pointedly. "I see no logic in this at all."  
  
She smiles wearly and nods. "Okay. Hm, so Sakura," she says, shuffling through some papers, "I see that you've tried suicide quite a bit of times."  
  
"That's right."  
  
"And could you tell me why you do this?"  
  
I glance at her. "Isn't it in your little report?"   
  
She replies, "Yes, but I'd like you to explain why."  
  
I turn my gaze away from her and say, "Why else? I'm not loved by anyone. Fujitaka has his job; it's more important than me. Touya has Yukito and his job; he enjoys what he does with Yukito instead of spending time with me. Tomoyo helps her mom with work, she doesn't have time for me. All the others, they have their own lives to worry about; I'm not worth their time."  
  
"And what about a boy? Li Syaoran, is it? You never mentioned him."  
  
I grit my teeth together. "He," I say through my teeth, "left for Hong Kong. We have nothing to do with each other."  
  
I hear Mitchelle scribble something down and I smirk. I'm just a test subject of some kind on which she needs to examine.   
  
"Sakura, so the reason you cut yourself often is because you think that you aren't loved?" she asks.   
  
I nod in response. "No, I know I'm not loved."  
  
I side glance at her and see her frowning. I narrow my eyes. Idiot, she doesn't understand.  
  
"Well, Sakura.. This is one time, isn't it?" she says, getting up. She hands me a little paper. "I'm assigning you to some anti-depressents. It should help you."  
  
I pick the paper from her grasp and stand up. "That all."  
  
I head to the door and open it. Before I shut it she says, "Sakura, the only reason you're here is because you're family cares for you. If they didn't, they would have let you die."  
  
I shut it and walk towards the elevator. I wait for the doors open.  
  
They care for me? Mm hm, yea right. If they cared for me, they would've done best for me, and let me die.  
  
The doors open and I step inside.   
  
No one else is in it. No one else could see that lonely tear fall as I mouthed one name.  
  
Syaoran..  
  
-  
  
R&R please. Arigato, minna-san!  
  
Author Note: Hehehe.. WELL! We all know she loves him, I guess. O_o Now, where's Syaoran?! When's he gonna show up, eh?? 


End file.
